You have new Picture Mail!

My truckstop wifi provider is in a dispute with their satellite carrier. Pls stay tuned, i'll update as soon as i can.

Lines on the mirror, lines on her face . .

Every where I go I'm waiting in line. I've had an air leak causing me trouble so last Friday I took advantage of some flexibility and went through our terminal in North Jackson, OH. The head mechanic made me no promises, but had me drop my trailer. "Just hang out there and I'll see what we can do when one of my guys is done with the cab they're working on." I sat all day and they couldn't fit me in.

I sent a message to our Parsippany, NJ shop that I was on my way in. My delivery was in New Jersey, so I was headed that way. It took most of the day Monday, but they got my leak fixed. Now I can sleep without the Low Air Alarm going off.

I got to my delivery Tuesday morning. There were already about 9 trucks waiting at the gate. Another line!! Nevertheless, I'd rather be lucky than good. Two security guards ambled down the line with a checklist. "You're the one they're looking for this morning," they told me. "Pull on in and go to the Receiving Office." Bonus!

Carlisle, PA is one of the worst truckstops I've been to. Coming in the driveway, you go past the exit of the fuel islands. You have to drive through the parking area and loop around to get into the fuel queue. When you're done fueling, you have to make a left turn through the entering traffic to get out. If anyone, especially a rookie, is trying to back in to a parking spot, the whole process shuts down. I don't even like to fuel in Carlisle, let alone sleep there, but I was out of hours.

In the morning, I fueled and hit the road! 14.4 miles down the road I was at a dead stop. The DOT was cutting apart a bridge. When the torches were cutting, they closed the road. Another line.

After pushing through that jam, I needed a pit stop. Pulling into the next truckstop, and stepping out of the truck, I saw the last stragglers of a busload of Mennonites going in. Guess what, another line. They looked very Amish, but I heard the driver say he was driving for the Conservative Mennonite Church.

Next I was in Oklahoma City, standing in line at a truckstop. I had a couple six packs of water and a package of Mango Con Chile. "Can I help you, Hon?" she asked. She was elegant for working the fuel desk at a truckstop. There was an air about her; prairie woman beauty. A ringer for Val from Dallas [Joan Van Ark]. White shirt and black pants, the uniform for fuel desk employees, but she carried herself with more grace than the rest. "What are these like," she asks picking up the Mango Con Chile. 

"It's dried mango with cayenne pepper and sugar. Want to try it?"

She finished ringing me up and was fishing for a bag. "Want to try it?" I ask again.

"OK, sure."

I opened the bag and let her fish out a piece of mango. Taking a bite, her eyes widened; cheeks pursed [likely, both sets]. "That's wild," is all she could choke out. "Have a great day. Be safe out there."

As I walked out, passing the length of the fuel desk, I heard her say to the next in line, "Hang on just a minute, Hon." She was racing me down the length of the desk, looking for a trash can to either spit or puke in. I really wanted to tell her she should think twice before sticking something a truck driver offered into her mouth, but I want to be able to come back here some day too.

Looking at the Scale Ticket in my hand, I was still illegal for the road. I had to adjust the fifth wheel and re-weigh. Back in at the Fuel Desk, she calls me over because the line at her register is gone. "You had to reweigh, baby?" Yes I tell her, "I had to adjust the fifth wheel. Usually I just have to move the tandems, but this load is heavy." I can see that her eyes are glazed. She doesn't really care about my weight problem, or my truck's. :o) She was probably sorry she asked such a specific question; an occupational hazard I suppose. That's alright. I'm not really interested in a woman who can't handle her Mango Con Chile.

The night before, I slept across the street at the TA. I had a shower about to expire on my Road King card. I left at 4:30 am, went across the street to fuel at the Pilot. As I left the Pilot, a fire engine went flying by. I saw a plume of smoke. Huh!?!? Past the TA I see a truck, on the scale, almost fully engulfed in flames. I had slept about 40 feet from that very scale!! I never heard what happened, but that was scary.

Character Sketches from the Road.

I sat in Nashville for 28 hours before I got my next load; that sucks. While I was there I walked a half mile or so to an Outlet Mall. I bought several books to keep me occupied. I am schizophrenic in my reading. Along with a couple Linux Books [i just can't seem to stop], I also got the second installment of David Crosby's autobiography [i need the first now] and a book on Buddhism and Science by the Dalai Lama.

Moreover, I haven't done a crossword since I was married. It lead to haunting flashbacks. I've done 5 or 6 this week already. I enjoy them actually. It is especially fun to put one down, 2/3 full and I'm stumped, only to pick it up the next day and burn through it with a fresh mind.

My married crossword experience is hilarious and should have been in "The Honeymooners" or "Roseanne" or something. She always had the puzzle and the pen. I was reading something else. And it goes:

Her: "What's a ten letter word for rules of thumb?"
Me: "How many letters do you already have?"
[ At least 180 seconds go by ]
Me: "How many letter have you got?"
[ maybe 90 more seconds ]
Me: "Honey?"
Her: "Oh, I'm on the next one already."
Me: "Grrrrr" [in my head]



Pamphlet Guy
subtitle: can I get a witness?
So, I'm sitting there in Nashville. A guy is walking around the lot handing out pamphlets. I'm not sure what denomination. And his wife isn't with him, so I don't know if she is flat chested or not [See, he did it again]. He is harmlessly, almost painfully, wholesome looking. Flannel shirt, windbreaker, blue jeans, comfortable shoes. Those shoes that look like they're from KMart, but are actually $200 mail order orthopedic appliances. He is in his late 50's, maybe a youthful 60. His hair is grey and combed over. He could disappear into almost any crowd. Or he could be the BTK killer. As he approaches my door, I feign to not see him, but he knocks. "Here, its free," he says with a pause and thrusts a couple pamplets up to me. When my arm doesn't reach for the ephemera, he adds cheerfully, "Doesn't cost a thing." and flashes a $200 mail order smile.

"Oh, it costs more than you think," I respond wryly.

For a nanosecond, his features begin to change like he will chuckle. Some internal filter clicks on and his smile fades. He doesn't frown, his face doesn't goes that way. He just looks at me, like a webpage with "Loading . . ." hanging across the middle. For just a moment, he got my meaning, but the system rejected it; saving him. The wind pushes at his combover as he turns to go. He jerks away like a robot running Windows 95.

Two doors down, another driver sits in his cab. Familiar territory again. All gauges are returning to normal. Crisis averted. He darn near shared a chuckle with me.

>>>>Unrelated Aside<<<<
"And I'll have the pastrami," Tom Swifty adds wryly. [do you remember Tom Swifty?]
>>>>End Aside<<<<



Starbucks Chic
I stopped on the Penn Turnpike to use the facilities and maintain my sobriety. There's a Starbucks here! Woo Hoo! I haven't had green tea in weeks. At the counter is the cutest girl this year. My goodness! She is subtle gorgeous. Her features are not fine, but just slightly rounded in that Mixed Breed Middle American way. She has the rich wholesome beauty that the tortured starlet always begins with; fresh off the bus in L.A. Joy bubbles over in her work, her voice, her demeanor, and especially her eyes. She has my tea seeping in a flash. Her auburn hair is pulled back under a scarf. The voluptuous natural curves of her lips are like the shoulders of a black cherry. When she asks "Is that everything?" "That's a loaded question," I smile. Just a little flirt. Those eyes sparkle a bit more. I thought they would burst. She giggles with depth; hidden knowledge expressed in a smile. "Have a nice day, sir."

That last word. . . now I'm the herky jerky robot. I stagger back to the truck, wounded. I knew she was too young. I really wasn't on the make; just practicing. Honest. But, Sir!? How could she hurt me that way?!?!? SIR is an acronym for "you're such a nice old man."

I take heart in knowing she will always be happy. She will work hard, play hard and live well. She'll always have a smile for some old man. I have a friend, became a teacher, who could be her older sister. Starbucks Chic will go to college somewhere like Ball State.



Gypsies in the Palace
I pulled into a Love's Truckstop in Jeffersonville, OH. I'm two hours away from my delivery, four hours early. Love's is surrounded by farmland out in Southwest Ohio. There is a Crisp Fall Wind coming across the open fields like a Dentist Drill. I run inside and zip my jacket to the cold. Almost the same feeling as being called 'Sir.'

Heading back to the cab, there is a guy talking to the driver next to where I parked. As I approach, he breaks off and comes to me. "Did you hear about the flat bed and the tanker?" he asks, "D'ja have your ears on." I indicate I hadn't. "Come here, this is hilarious." We walk across the lot. I see a flatbed but no tanker. Hmmm.

The guy has a walrus mustache and perpetual stubble. Even clean shaven, the line of his chin would be indistinct. Jowls curve south, rounded by cheap beer and fried food. Flannel shirt over a tshirt and jeans; midwest trucker uniform.

As we approach the flatbed, three more guys converge. There is a lanky goofball waving a wad of cash. He has no front teeth. People with thin lips should floss. His upper lip sags across the gap except when he smiles. He wears the ill fitting clothes of garage sale chic. You don't buy for fit, you buy for utility. There is another midwest trucker; dressed a little better. Company jacket over a henley. His wife must work in an office. Her style, and expectations, stain him. There is another tall, thin, older farmer-looking guy. Toothless Jones keeps flashing his wad of cash. I begin to understand that he really wants me to know he is loaded. He is probably the long lost Uncle of a guy we used to call Gums and Roses. Another bystander walks up.

It is an elaborate scam. I'm sure of that much. I really think the whole thing was orchestrated by Toothless Jones, the farmer and the two Midwest truckers. The wad is probably $40 in ones with 5 or 6 twenties on top. It is Three Card Monte with a twist. Toothless is supposed to be an idiot who doesn't know the game. There's money to be had here, man. An Exquisite Grifter change up.

Farmer makes a bet and loses. On the second bet, he picks a card and holds it behind Toothless' head. Toothless makes dramatic twists like he is looking for the card. Meantime, farmer flips the card behind Toothless and turns up the other two cards and bends a corner of the Ace. Two Jacks and an Ace are at play. Farmer flips the Ace back over. He's lost again.

Now the fun begins. Supposedly, Toothless can't see that 3/8" of his Ace is bent up on a terrible angle. Farmer wins! Twice, even! Now, the better dressed trucker jumps in. He wins twice picking the marked Ace. Shocking! A new rule emerge. Toothless can't tell his Ace is marked but now you can only bet twice and then its someone else's turn. Midwest tries to hand me a twenty. "He won't let me bet again," he winks "you do it." I point to the other bystander "He should."

"It's easy money, man. Go ahead. Just bet for me." He taps me on the arm with the back of the hand holding the twenty.

"I'm don't want to join in. I'm not buying it," I finally say. Immediately, Toothless jumps up and walks off. "I'm tired of this," he says to the wind.

When I turn back to my truck, another driver approaches. He has an enormously, and perfectly round, beer belly with a leather jacket 2 sizes too small. His trucker hat stands straight up off his forehead. He strains to put as little weight as possible on his left leg. A trucker malady. 50 yards across the lot might as well be the Appalachian Trail. "What's going on?" he snorts between gimps.

"Three Card Monte," I say.

"What!?"

"The Shell Game with cards," I explain.

"Oh, $%^&* I thought you guys were talking about something juicy!" he smiles.

"I just got here, but I didn't fall off any truck," I say. "I didn't buy it; can't afford it anyway."

"I've been out here to long for that $%^&*()," he says and stumbles back with me.

Then I started to think: I've inadvertently gone into business with a drug dealer and got out; spent four hours on the side of the road with the Lee County Sheriff Narcotics Squad for his guilt not mine; went into business for myself two and a half times before I was 35; had two groups try to hoodwink me out of a business [one an SBA scam, the other a reverse acquisition worthless stock scam]; I broke into a building and stole a bunch of stuff, that a judge later ruled was actually mine, and used it to start the business over with 2 out of 3 original partners; was once sued for $600,000, settled out of court for $40,000; and once closed on a house the same day my checking account was fifty dollars in the hole. These guys were going to take me?!?!?! I have a finely tuned radar. I might have to tell some of those stories.

More Scrub!

I drove into Southern Oklahoma to deliver a load of dog food. The next pickup I got was not too far away. I decided to cut across the countryside rather than take Interstate. The Interstate would have been faster, but the Scrub was less miles. No one will know, and backroads are good for the soul.

Back in the Scrub in Oklahoma, everyone from Gentleman Farmers driving Cadillacs to Dirt Farmers in shotgun shacks and mobile homes has horses. If there was ever a choice between the horse or the car, they would cancel the insurance and put the car at the end of the driveway with a sign in the window.

I passed a small place with 10 or 12 head of cattle. The gigantic bull watching over them all, looked up as I passed. Grandma always said pigs were smarter than cows. Something about how close together their eyes are. I wrote about a mean old wild hog. This bull was meaner. A ridge over his eyes, this bull seemed to scowl. He appraised my truck and me. I could tell he thought: "Yeah, I could take you."

Oklahoma has several Indian Nations. I spent the night at the Choctaw Casino and Conoco Truck Plaza. There was a young girl at the counter. She was beautiful; exquisitely shiny black hair, high cheek bones, those doe eyes. When she opened her mouth to speak, I was transported . . . to a mall! She was just an American teenager at heart. She discovered the Tums I was buying had already been opened. "That's so gross," she said; sounding more like my midwestern nieces than Pocahantas. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't 'mallteenese.'

For all the political correctness surrounding sports team names and such, the Oklahoma Indian Country is full of similar depictions. The Big Chief Truckstop in Big Cabin, OK has an Indian Chief standing at the drive. It has to be 50 feet tall. I'm not sure that any Indians own the truckstop, but mom and pop businesses and tourist traps all over have Indian Symbology in their logos and signs. I do know that Indians own the Choctaw Casino where I slept the other night. The souvenir aisle looked about the same at either stop.

The lone tree on a ridge in the big prairie is quintessential. There is something romantic about such a tree. Some are twisted and gnarled by exposure to the prairie wind. There are other ridgelines with a row of trees across them. The corrugated metal outbuilding about halfway up the hill; just beyond it is the majestic tree. Perhaps a horse is standing in the shade of a shed.

It must be work for that tree to stay where it is. If it was easy for a tree to be there, wouldn't there be several? That tree is standing in defiance of the thrashing weather of all the seasons. The lone defiant Prairie Tree reminds me of one of my favorite paintings. The Weeds, whom I used to work for, were patrons of the arts. The company lobby was like a small gallery. One painting that held a prominent position, was of a couple cowboys on horseback. It is winter. A snowy hill is behind them as they ride through the drifts on the prairie. They are looking over your left shoulder. Something is amiss. The cowboy in the foreground is starting to pull his rifle from its saddle holster. There is danger, but they are prepared to face it. I always thought that painting was the perfect analogy for a small businessman.

This morning I had a spectacular sunrise in big sky country. The sun began to rise and colored the entire eastern horizon. To the north and south on the outer fringe, the purple and deep red stay on. Toward the east, oranges and pinks, and finally yellows, burn in the sky. I am passing Lake Eufaula. The catspaws, patches of the wind's texture on the lake, shine in a brilliant light blue color. It is almost a translucent turquoise. The glass smooth areas of the lake burn with the colors of the sunrise. Islands are almost black. The trees and rocks are cut sharp like silhouettes in black felt on a mirror. The lake is a sprawling reservoir and matches the great sky on fire. The lake runs beside me for 20 or 30 miles. Not just truckdrivers, but how many people, in general, go through life looking at their shoes. Look Up! Look Around! Breathe! Absorb! Relax a minute for Pete's Sake!!!

Postcard from the Central Georgia Scrub

I waited all morning in Atlanta for this. A trip to the scrub. The lot is not paved, it is just a fence around some scrub with a warehouse in the middle. It is more dust than sand. If not for the color, it could be the scrub anywhere; Texas or Arizona. It's a dark orange. A little more like Sweet Potato Pie than Pumpkin; more orange than brown. It must have rained recently. There are pockets of mud and muck. Just a reminder how easily the red dirt reverts to clay. In the dry fall wind, I can hear Gillian Welch singing "Red Clay Halo."

I saw Gillian and her partner, David Rawlings, at Goshen College. David Rawlings is an amazing guitar player. Gillian was the girl in the record store looking for Soggy Bottom Boys records in the movie, "Oh, Brother Where For Art Thou?." I really went to hear Old Crow Medicine Show. WGCS, the college radio station, had switched from classical to americana. They were playing a lot Gillian and Old Crow. The OCMS song "Wagon Wheel" was/is one of my favorites.


I backed into the dock and jumped out to check in with the Shipping Dept. The whole neighborhood smelled of kibble. It was overpowering. Like puppy breath when they jump right from the bowl into your lap. It is all the bad smell of liver and none of the good smell of onions. The smell is big; more like a sweaty horse jumped in my lap.

1300 20 lb bags of Dog Food is 26,000 lbs. I am headed from the Central Georgia Scrub to the Lake Country of Oklahoma.

In A Mist is tucked in for the Winter.

The same night that storms raged across Michigan, including the one that tossed a baby out with the rain water, Dad and I were driving up to Bay City to cover up my boat.

We headed to the marina towing Mom and Dad's 24' Jayco Trailer. We pulled around behind the building closest to S/V "In A Mist," set up the camper and plugged it in. Mom had us all stocked up with grub. Chili Friday Night and Waffles Saturday Morning. The chili hit the spot, along with some Suisse Mocha later in the evening. It was windy and spitting a bit of rain, so we hunkered down. Two geeks in a trailer back in the bone yard of a marina; each with a nose in a book.

The night was windy enough that it was like a Harbor Simulator. Around my boat are 10 or 12 other sailboats "on the hard." I fell asleep listening to the halyards rattling on the masts and a bit of wind in the rigging. It was as if I was already in some quaint harbor somewhere surrounded by vagabond neighbors and other boats swinging from their moorings. I'm sure I appreciated it more than Dad did.

Saturday morning we were up before 7:00. Dad started the coffee and made the waffles. We measured up the boat and went into to town. At Home Depot, I bought a couple tarps, some 2x4's, cinderblocks and rope [a real sailor would say 'line']. While I scoped around and checked the boat, Dad pumped the bilge. We wrapped the big tarp around the mast and spread it aft; the smaller one forward. My two main leak sources are the main hatch and the cockpit floor. Each will be replaced next summer. There may be some leaking from the deck hardware. I will know in the spring. :o)

Seeing the boat again was like a lovers' reunion. It was so important to rejuvenate my hopes and dreams for next summer and beyond. Occasionally, because I am so far removed from the boat, I am just grinding through my days on the road. I feel refreshed. I really am moving forward. I talked with a friend about "steerage." A boat, especially a sailboat, cannot turn [change course] unless it is moving forward first. An analogy for life. In a similar way, sometimes sailing is so peaceful that you have to look at the water gently gurgling past the rudder to make sure that you are actually moving. I can't wait to have that peace again. "Staring at the full moon like a lover . . . " Everybody sing! "Time for . . . a Cool Change!"

We made short work of covering the boat and then checked on my storage unit; sails, cushions, docklines and other junk. By early afternoon, we were headed back to Hudsonville.

In Hudsonville, we had a Mini Family Reunion. We are actually all full size but there weren't very many of us there. My cousins Steve and Kelly, Sister Amy and her Todd and their girls were there with Mom and Dad and I. Mom stuffed us all with a big brunch spread. Feta and Spinach Cheese Strata to die for!

Chuck and Deb have graciously stored my truck for a lot longer than they imagined; I'm sure. They are great and put me up in the school bus at the beginning and the end of my weekend home. Chuck and I managed to have a beer Sunday evening. Monday AM things fell apart. I got sent back on the road a day sooner than I had planned. Thanks again for the ride, Deb!! I missed several important people. Shout out to Jimbo, Emily and my adopted family in Dowagiac. Jim is ready to hit the WWF Circuit with his new move the Half K[censored]y. I can't wait to see him in a unitard and tights crashing down on his opponents like the Mighty Sword of Crom! OK, the last two sentences are a delicious inside joke and a literary allusion. Wherever Jim is, he just laughed out loud while the rest of you just furroughed your brow. See, he just did it again.

Have Fun!

Vanity, Oh, Vanity . . .

I tried a new look. Hacked off all the grey in the goat.

If G. Gordon Liddy, Frank Zappa and the Family Guy had a baby . . .

OK, the grey wasn't so bad.