It's not my holiday
The Holiday Season, and all the various things it means to different people, approaches with a vengence. I am stuck at a truckstop for almost 48 hours. I've been here since yesterday afternoon, and they have yet to change the Holiday CD on the intercom. Over and Over, the syrupy sweet over-sung R&B holiday sounds are about to make me vomit. I think it's Usher, but it could be El DeBarge for all I know. If I hear "our cheeks are rosy and comfy cozy are we" with a jazzy break two more times before I die, I'm going to L.A. and burn someone's house down.
I am really torn about going home. I miss my family and friends there, but I am way behind on my goals for saving money this year. These "training companies" get you started on a driving career, but part of the deal is you work for slave wages for a year. Most guys plan to just survive this first year. Not me! I am trying to save enough money to quit after a year and get back to the boat. :oP
Plan B may be to find a driving job close to Bay City in the spring or summer and work through one more winter before leaving. It all depends on how many miles I can drive between now and then. It seems when I ask for time off, they spiral me into home with short concentric trips. Then I'm home. Then I get spiralled back out into the freight lanes. The end result is I don't make any money the week before I'm home, the week I'm home or the week after. I don't know what guys with families do.
Given these realities, I am going to stay out here and just drive. It is not a decision that was easy or fun. I have chosen the Vagabond's Life. It works better to just live it; full on. Even once I get off the road, after a period of repair and refit, I'll be living this life again, albeit in another mode.
So, amusingly, I have felt some of the typical pressures of a holiday that is not my own. It was more the pressure of having to decide; facing a decision I knew would disappoint some of the people I love. It is, however, what it is and, ultimately, how it should be.
This time of year, I prefer to look ahead to the New Year. I don't do resolutions because they are typically a ridiculous fallacy. If you don't have Daily Discipline, how in the world are you going to succeed with Annual Discipline. It is, however, a natural time of year to reflect on life and where you are headed. Hopefully, those with their heads down pumping their legs in "the race" or "the hamster wheel" can take the time for a little reflection.
Reflection is a rare commodity in the world today. All of us could benefit from a daily reflection. Not basking in vacuous platitudes, but some deep thinking, introspection and evaluation.
When I knew I was unhappy, but didn't know why, it was because I had no idea what I wanted or what would make me happy. I was being carried along by the ever present current of expectations, by what other people thought was normal or proper. I simply hadn't thought about it; the "thinking through" that is hard work.
I turned my eyes and ears inward. The cacophony of the world was shut out. Of course, I had help doing this. Coach Kathy was instrumental in helping me discover the tools. As I shed all the weights and the accumulation, I began to hear my own voice again.
Your path may not be as far off the road as mine seems to be, but how do you know you're on the right street when it's been so long since you've looked at the Atlas?